The Two types of Republican

Posted on January 9, 2012


Since the advent of cable, we’ve all heard the old complaint, “182 channels and nothing to watch.” A lot of people just want to tune out and be entertained.  But folks, if your definition of must-see TV consists of shows judging singing, dancing, or anything Seacrest esque, you are part of what’s wrong with America.  I’m here to tell you there’s something better; namely, the Republican primaries.

I haven’t seen this much lying and bickering among old, rich, White guys since my Grandmother forced me to watch Dallas reruns.  No she wasn’t cruel and sadistic.  To be fair that was when we only had 3 channels.  Really.

So I’m watching these debates and then reading various posts, news articles, commentary etc.  It seems like every comment both in the debates and at the end of the articles is, blame Obama.  Bank of America cuts jobs, blame Obama.  Chinese scientist develop a variant of the H1N1 (bird flu) virus that can jump from animal to human, blame Obama.  Flooding strikes Malaysia, blame Obama.  Steve Jobs dies, you guessed it, blame Obama…

Ok.  Now that we’ve firmly established Obama as the antichrist and the single cause for all the known world’s maladies, let’s look at the solution; a Republican.  Now from what I’ve seen on the debates, (assuming of course they are being honest) the candidates have some valid points.  On issues concerning government spending and mismanagement, the candidates show the sound judgment only an Ivy League education can furnish.

So as I’m reading comments blaming Obama from Truckin 86 or NRA4life I was struck by an inconsistency.  I had to wonder, just what does a man who makes 32k a year at a slaughterhouse have in common with a man who made 7 figures as investment banker?  Then it dawned on me.  There have to be two distinct types of Republican.

The first type is the kind we all know and love.  They give back by buying American.  Items like pick up trucks, AC/DC memorabilia, guns, and blue-collar comedy DVD’s are sure to make their Xmas list.  They believe in the notions of less government and creationism.  They enjoy activities such as huntin, going to church, protesting abortion clinics and may even be, to quote Kiefer Sutherland as Freddie Lee Cobb, “good, god-fearing Klan…”  Sure some may say they’re set in their ways, but it’s an American right to voice and act upon your opinions.  Let’s call this group, type R, for Red… umm state.

Now it’s obvious we can all see the shortcomings of type R.  They’re not a perfect bunch, and they make no apologies for who they are.  Ever.  But at least with type R what you see is what you get.  If the sign on their house below the Confederate flag states, “Beware of Dog” you’d be safe betting they’re probably a proud pit bull owner.

The second type is far more opaque.  Let’s call them type M.  On the surface, behind the double gated community, designer clothes, and foreign cars, they seem like a decent bunch.  They don’t pick fights, they keep their music low and their lawns are impeccably manicured.  They give back by donating to charity for a major tax write off.  They believe in privatization and Rush Limbaugh.  They enjoy golf outings with other members of the Bilderberg club and Trilateral commission.

But what they stand for isn’t always clear.  It seems like they want lower taxes, but for whom?  A 2.5% reduction for someone who makes 40k is $1000.  For someone who makes 4 million it’s $100,000.  A few, like Dick Cheney are skilled hunters, but do they even have a real stance on guns?  Have they ever sung along to “Big Balls” after imbibing in too much American beer?  Do they even know how to change an alternator?

We can’t get into all the nuances, but in a nutshell, type R stands for guns, god, pro life, less government and the old South.  Type M stands for lower taxation, corporations, big money, tort reform, the death penalty and sometimes old people.  Anyone else see a disconnect here?

To come full circle, my first thought was, how do you reconcile one type of Republican with another.  There seems to be such a disconnect among the two that it’s impossible.  Why would type R even consider voting for type M when they have absolutely nothing in common?   Maybe they’re just drawing upon the notion that the enemy (Republicans) of my enemy (Democrats, common sense, etc.) is my friend.  Upon further investigation however, I’ve come to the realization that the real question isn’t how do you reconcile either of these Republican’s with each other, but rather, how do you reconcile either of these with a human?

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Posted in: Opinion, Politics